Hit Critic Corner

Well, just another page to bore the hell outta you. And to satisfy my evil desire to create new enemies.
Excerpts of songs are "quoted" and these stupid words are not made up by me. Don't blow up my mail-box for it.

• 01-07-01: Nelly Furtado - Turn Off the Light - Second single where she proves she can't sing. Her nasal flares do overtime in this song. Don't turn off the light, just turn down the volume, please.
• 01-07-01: Back Street Boys - More than That - Boooooooooooring. And bad, even in group-mode, their awful voices shatter all available windows. With that AJ dude (I think) in drug/alcohol-rehab, we can only hope for a long vacation of non-boy-band-stuff.
• 01-07-01: Westlife - Uptown Girl - Can a videoclip can get more irritating than this ? Probably not for a long long time.
• 01-07-01: Twarres - She Couldn't Laugh - Havin' a jab at the international charts eh, are we ? Can't laugh about it. I'm actually crying. That bad it is, so sad I am.
• 01-07-01: Lil' Bow Wow - Puppy Love - Second single for this Snoop Doggy Dogg wanna-be. Apparently talent is no more a requirement. All you need now is a young age, cute face, influentious family and a good guest background voice.
• 01-07-01: Jody Bernal - Un Besso Menos Un Besso... - 8th song in the top 10 featuring the same background tape. Why people can't get enough of the same song is a mystery to me.
• 15-10-00: Back Street Boys - Dunno - Still the same boys, still the same producers, so essentially, still tha same shit.
• 01-10-00: All Saints - Black Coffee - While "Pure Shores" was a nice comeback, this one is just another unimaginitive rework of that song. Shameless use of the same set of samples, they're trying for the "they won't notice" strategy. It works pretty well, coz it's reaching the tops of the various charts.
• 01-10-00: Aaron Carter - I Want Candy - He doesn't really act his age, but then again, music is largely all about demographics. A babyface is a record company's wet dream.
• 01-10-00: Spice Girls - Holler/blablaabla/We're back or something - Uninspiring copy-cat song of what's "in" today. Just what we needed. The second comeback single also released at the same time, is also an un-inspiring copy-cat song.
• 01-10-00: Mel B.- Tell Me - Clearly focussing on her vocal performance, her videoclip show a close-up of her breast around every 300 ms. That's what I call talent.
• 01-10-00: True Stepper feat. V. Beckham - Out Of Your Mind - With all those electronic sounds, they thought we wouldn't mind if the voice of Posh Spice was also heavily masked beyond artificial recognition. Well, we don't indeed. Anything better than her original voice.
• 21-08-00: Five - We Will Rock You - Somebody must've hit Brian May with guitar on his head one too many times. If last year's "Under Pressure" featuring David Bowie didn't really add something, what makes you think five untalented guys with no singing experience can do ?
• 01-08-00: Madonna - Music - Still experimenting with the more electronic side of music-making, this one's really stupendous. A stupendous mix of samples coupled with stupendously written lyrics gives one helluva stupendous song. Hope her experimenting days are over soon.
• 01-08-00: Britney Spears - Lucky - While the songs itself may have something going on, being quite infectious (though almost all resembling each other), she continues to let down with a nasal voice (obviously trying to mask her true imperfect voice). It's a shame her songs aren't given to a more talented singer.
• 01-08-00: Melanie C. - I Turn To You - Building an increasing amount of fans, she carefully explores different kinds of music and styles. This ones seems to have its origin from a teener basement who's been tracking songs on a simple PC for a while. Still people like this simpel mixed song, god knows why.
• 01-08-00: Robin Williams - Rock DJ - Being the most popular former Take Thatter probably also means you can make irritating songs, while raising enough money to make a most intriguing video along with it, to raise some shockvalue for this musical nonsense.
• 01-08-00: Anastacia - I'm Out of Love - A male-ish blonde with a male-ish voice, whining like a true lady, in a mostly monotonous song.
• 01-08-00: Jody Bernal - Que Si, Que No - Too ridiculous to even comment on it.
• 01-07-00: Jennifer Lopez - Let's Get Loud - Too bad, another hit for this lady who still can't sing. The lyrics are pretty stupendous too, so all added up, it's getting pretty irritating.
• 09-04-00: Britney Spears - Oops, I did it again - And I'm sorry she did. Like the title says, it's a mix of her previous hits. I think it's too early in her carreer to start repeating herself, even more so because it wasn't good in the first place.
• 01-03-00: Jennifer Lopez - (Idunno, Iduncare) - This new song might actually be nice and all, but someone forgot to turn on the reverb, echo, and other technical stuff they did on her previous songs. Now you can hear her imperfect singing voice in all its gory.
• 23-10-99: Marc Anthony - I Need to Know - Another Latino artist going with the success flow of that genre these day. Another standard kinda repetetive song, with a terrible background choire that sounds like a woman on a male hormone treatment.
• 23-10-99: Jennifer Lopez - Waiting for Tonight - And I'm still waiting for improvement of her non-existent singing voice.
• 23-10-99: Melanis C - Goin' Down - New genre, new hairdo, both suck. Hopefully, this song title is a prediction for her own success.
• 20-10-99: Pet Shop Boys - New York City Boy - Having a long record of empty non-meaning songs, this one beats them all.
• 10-08-99: Christina Aguilera - Genie in a Bottle - Just what we needed, a producer who picked a child from the Disney Mickey Mouse Club and put her behind the mic, whether she can sing or not (isn't one Britney, one of the earlier Mickey Mouse Club members, enough ?).
• 23-06-99: Jennifer Lopez - If You Had My Love - Surrounded by the most famous hip-hop,. rap, R&B producers, it doesn't help the fact she can't really sing, can it ? Listen for yourself, her voice has absolutely no range, it's kinda thin, and occasionally, she reaches the witchy kinda screaming range, which isn't really something you want to buy a whole album of.
• 09-06-99: Eric Benet feat. Faith Evans - Georgy Porgy - No criticism on the song itself, really. But the title, ohh coooohoooooome on ?
• 04-06-99: Geri Halliwell - Look at Me - Why ? I didn't want to look at you when you were a spicey girl, and I thought we'd be freed from you forever, so why would I wanna look at you now ?
• 04-06-99: Britney Spears - Sometimes - Pretty nice song, what a shame she can't sing.
• 04-06-99: Ricky Martin - Livin' La Vida Loca - Could someone explain me how he reached the US billboard nr. 1 spot with this song ? And doesn't anyone notice all his songs are the same song with a tiny difference in lyrics ?
• 13-03-99: Britney Spears - Baby One More Time - She keeps saying "hit me, baby, one more time". Hmm, must be painful, or she's very much into S.M.
• 13-03-99: Emilia - Good Sign - No, absolutely NOT a good sign at all. She can't sing, and still she makes hit after hit. What's next, my grandma ?
• 22-12-98: Ace of Base - Travel to Romantis - And I thought Meja's "All about the Money" was about nothing. Try this one. Anyway, Ace of Base just named itself leader of this Swedish invasion of bad songs (see under).
• 14-12-98: Emilia - Big Big World - She's singing "I'm a big big girl in a big big world", so, if she's such a big big girl, why can't she stop whining ? There aren't really that many songs that bother me (hence this oh so short list), but this one's is irritating to the bone. It's a miracle she broke all the record's back home in Sweden, coz she really can't sing.
• 14-12-98: Meja - All about the Money - It's like a Swedish invasion of bad songs (right now, I can name 8, also see above). This is really scary.
• 14-12-98: Jay-Z - Hard Knock Life (ghetto anthem) - Boy, how irritating. How can you call your own song a ghetto anthem anyway ? The nerve, hmpfr.
• 14-12-98: All Saints - Something so boring, I can't even remember - The longer they exist, the more boring it gets. Plain math.
• 14-12-98: Spice Girls - Goodbye - Really a shame the title doesn't imply that the Spice Girls are quitting. And I wished it so hard. Hmm.
• 01-10-98: All Saints - Bootie Call - Hmmm, they don't do much credit to their name eh ? They should've been named All Horny.
• 01-10-98: Faithless - God is a DJ - If God is a DJ, what does that make us ? Vinyl LP's ?
• 20-09-98: Mel B. feat. Missy Elliot - I Want You Back - Luckily, this song won't make a hit, it won't even make a small dent. With Missy Elliot just doing her usual uninspired "uh uh" stuff, and Mel B. tries to sing a song with lyrics nothing more than "I want you back, your love made a deep impact". Something went very wrong during the writing process, don't you think ?
• 20-09-98: Robbie Williams - Millennium - This song is actually about nothing. I think he like saying the word "millennium" in the most boring way possible.
• 11-09-98: 5ive - Everybody Get Up - And again, these boys can't help showing off their intelligence. A bit less spectacular this time. Just counting up from 1 to 5.
• 21-08-98: Cleopatra - I Want You Back - Cover of "the Jacksons" old timer (or was it "the Jacksons 5" ? "5 Jacksons" ?). This doesn't really sound good, no no no no, how could Madonna (Maverick Records) let this happen ???
• 30-07-98: Spice Girls - Viva Forever - Again another hit, proving they can do very well, or even better, without Geri. The less members, the more succesful, so, this can be interpreted as an encouragement to lessen the group members. Use an iteration on this logic and you'll end up with 0 Spice Girls equals infinite success. Don't tell me this is flawed, my logic is never flawed.
• 30-07-98: Another Level - Another bad example on how to cover a song.
• 30-07-98: 4 the Cause - Stand by Me - A very bad example on how to cover a song.
• 01-07-98: Bravo Allstars - Let the music heal your soul - Since when did that happen ? Last time I checked, psychiatrists and psychologist were still doing that job. Anyway, this is a one time (I hope) collaboration of loads of (German) boy and other bands. As a result you get a lot of "sh" instead of "s" and "yah" instead of "yeah". Probably because of the record company's power, the Backstreet Boys are included too. Oh, and Aaron Carter too, that should rocket the sales eh ?
• 01-07-98: 5ive - Got the Feeling - Third single and still bragging they can really count all the way up to seven. All singles featured 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, somewhere somehow. (In this song it is even rapped BACKWARDS ! Amazement never ceases eh ?)
• 01-06-98: Ultimate Kaos - Casanova - "Every man deserves a good woman". Oh ? "So let me love ya". Okay, this is alright. "So let me squeeze ya". Whud the hell do kids learn these days ?
• 01-06-98: Aaron Carter - Surfing USA - Did it ever occur to you I really don't care where you surf ?
• 01-05-98: Spice Girls - Stop - "Stop right now, thank you very much". Yeah, girls, could you stop ? Coz that would mean a lot to me.
• 01-05-98: Ricky Martin - Un dos tres - Another smart guy. He can count too ! Only thing is, he can only count in his own native language.
• 01-05-98: Steps - 5, 6, 7, 8 - Boy, this is smart, they can count.
• 01-05-98: VengaBoys - We Like to Party - Again, just party then, and be quiet. Boy, repeating sucks eh ? (Goes for me and this song).
• 01-05-98: 2 Unlimited - Wanna Get Up - Well, just get up then, and be quiet. On the musical level, this song sucks heavily.